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Uncomfortable Plot Summaries

Reading lengthy reviews of your favourite movies and TV shows can be tedious (especially if there are no pictures). Don’t you wish that their plot lines could be condensed into a single sentence? That is the premise behind the game called “Uncomfortable Plot Summaries” which yields some humourous (often cynical) results. Here are some of my favourites:

  • ALIENS: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
  • BATMAN: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill.
  • DIE HARD: Dysfunctional cop saves marriage by murdering foreign national.
  • KILL BILL: Irresponsible mother wants custody of her child.
  • BLADE RUNNER: Man with no apparent skill stumbles into escaped robots, fails to kill most, fucks one.
  • LORD OF THE RINGS: Midget destroys stolen property.
  • ROCKY: White man beats black man.
  • SUPERBAD: Boys plan date-rape, sleep together.
  • TRANSPORTER: Repressed homosexual kills employers.
  • TERMINATOR: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
  • SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE: Man is betrayed by darker-skinned brother, escapes poverty through blind luck in pursuit of light-skinned woman.
  • TRANSFORMERS: Army lures enormous, hostile aliens into urban area, needlessly killing thousands.
  • CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND: Husband abandons family responsibilities to trespass on military outpost for noisy light show.
  • MEMENTO: Brain damaged people are easy to fuck with, but will eventually kill you.
  • SHOWGIRLS: Women empower themselves through public nudity.
  • LOST: Nothing makes sense.
  • HEROES: With great power comes ridiculous problems.
  • WIZARD OF OZ: What happens over the rainbow, stays over the rainbow.

See many more at (postmodernbarney.com) [via Metafilter]

Shaggy dogs

Just the other day, I found myself a new and surprisingly innocent form of entertainment on the intertubes. They’re called shaggy dog tales, and are usually long involved stories that end with a pointless or plainly absurd punchline. Most of the punchlines are heavy on puns – and y’all know how I love a good pun. My most favourite to date involves some french foreign legionnaires and dessert in the desert, but it’s quite long winded, so here’s one of the shorter shaggy dogs (more of a shaggy puppy I suppose) for your entertainment:

A mother lion and father lion had gone off hunting, and had told their two cubs not to wander away. However, a couple of small wildebeests ambled by, and the young lions could not resist the temptation to try out their own hunting skills. They ran out, chased after the animals, killed them, and started eating them.

Just as the cubs were reaching the end of their meal, the parents appeared in the distance. One of the baby lions turned to the other, and said: “That is the end of the gnus. Here again are the head lions.”

If you liked that one, there are loads more here.

Link Loving – April 16, 2009

There seems to be a shit-storm veering towards my cubicle, and I seem to have misplaced my I-Don’t-Give-a-Fuck helmet. Whilst I contemplate Hari-kiri, here are some links:

  • The best psychopaths in comics – part 1 & part 2.
  • Top 10 very unfortunate x-rays.
  • Two Texas men arrested for stealing 50 pornos from adult store. They are obviously unaware of the Internets.
  • Know your meme: Yo Dawg.
  • It’s Penguin Mayhem! Shoot, steal, and win at all costs in Penguinz.
  • Star Wars vs MacGyver in this opening sequence mashup.
  • A collection of amazing vertical gardens and sky farms.
  • Porn star Aria Giovanni teaches us how to boil an egg – you know how to do this already, but you’ll watch anyway.
  • Shitty ad for toilet paper.
  • Triumph, the cigar-smoking Rottweiler interviews Star Wars nerds. Hilarious and in two parts – part 1 & part 2.

Squirrel-Blasting Device Ignites Controversy

If you have a rodent problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find it, maybe you can buy… The Rodenator Pro.

The Rodenator Pro is the solution to your rodent problem. Described as safe for the environment and “humane”, it works by pumping a controlled mixture of propane and oxygen into the tunnels of unassuming squirrels, and then sending an electric spark that causes an explosion. Apparently the shock waves kill the squirrels and collapse their tunnels.

The local Humane Society of Spokane, Washington are not so thrilled about the idea, calling the explosions unethical and cruel. I bet the homeless are pretty happy though, roasted squirrel must taste great after a day of dumpster-diving.

See the Rodenator Pro in action below. Warning: Squirrels were harmed during the making of this video.

The full story is at The Huffington Post.

50 Last Supper Parodies

Much like that time when Britney Spears went commando, Leonardo da Vinci’s 15th century mural of Jesus announcing that a dirty scoundrel amongst the 12 disciples will betray him, is fairly ingrained in our minds and culture.

Now join Popped Culture as they takes you through 50 parodies and tributes to The Last Supper.

[via The Awesomer]

Eminem’s Comeback Single: We Made You

“We Made You” is a hilariously offensive new single from that man Eminem. Having been away from the spotlight for some time (I’m too lazy to google it), his comeback plans seems to include attacking celebrities like bootylicious Kim Kardashian, a portly Jessica Simpson, on-and-off lesbian Lindsay Lohan, and even former US vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. There’s a fair amount of filthy innuendo thrown in as well.

Produced by Dr Dre, “We Made You” is the debut track off Eminem’s upcoming album Relapse. Enjoy.

Find the lyrics after the jump.

Read more

Tufty the Squirrel is Very Naughty

Tufty the Squirrel has been a road safety icon in the UK since the 1960s. On his day off, Tufty and Bobby Brown Rabbit are playing football, when Bobby accidentally boots the ball out of the garden and under a fast moving truck. Stuck for things to do Tufty heads off to find a prostitute. See what happens next.

[via Buzzfeed]

Mid-week Time Waster: Collider

Collider is a new physics based game by Dan Russell-Pinson, where you need to remove all charged particles from level. You do this by crashing positively charged particles into negatively charged ones, and vice versa.

You start each level with a few particles in your pocket – place these using the mouse, click Play, and let gravity do the rest. Click Rewind if you’ve made a mistake. There are 25 levels with some great, spacey music.

Get particle-smashing with Collider at Kongregate.

Jacob Zuma Voted Sexiest Politician

This firmly goes in the “things you wish weren’t true but are” section. After almost winning the presidential horse, ANC president Jacob Zuma finally got to add a gold trophy to his mantelpiece when he was voted South Africa’s sexiest politician in a snap survey. Apparently Zuma’s theme tune “Awuleth’ uMshini wam'” figuratively adds several inches to his already impressive unmentionables.

I know what you’re thinking, we here also suspect that there was a typo in the survey and he came out tops for South Africa’s most sexist politician.

Cope leader Mosiuoa Lekota placed second in the sexiest politician poll, with former president Thabo Mbeki in third place. ANC youth leader Julius Malema was a winner too, rightfully claiming top spot for being the least sexy South African in politics.

Read the full article at the Cape Argus.

Another Cape Town Bush Fire!

Just a day after the Vortex fire in Wellington, Cape Town is on fire yet again. Eyewitness News Reports reports that an ambulance has crashed into wall on Ou Kaapse Weg and has resulted in a bush fire on the mountain slopes of Muizenberg.

Firefighters tried to extinguish the blaze which is near the Steenberg turnoff on Ou Kaapse Weg.

Cape Town fire services Sharon Bosch said details of the accident were unclear but the fire command centres were alerted to the bush fire.

So take care if you’re driving out past that area, and if you have a camera handy and snapped some photos, be sure to let us know.