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Horoscopes I like

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Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19
Your foot will fall asleep this Thursday, but not before draining a full bottle of whiskey, throwing up in an abandoned parking lot, and repeatedly calling its ex-wife on the phone.

Taurus Apr 20 – May 20
The ghost of Richard Dean Anderson will soon pay you a visit and spend the entire time insisting he’s not dead yet.

Gemini May 21 – Jun 21
This week be sure to pray to St. Harold, the Patron Saint of Falling Down The Basement Stairs, Shattering Both Your Hips, And Laying Paralyzed Until Someone Gets Home.

Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 22
Cancer had its latest prediction all set to go, but then it found out about this cool new thing called Twitter, and well…you understand.

Read the rest of these hilarious horoscopes after the jump.

Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22
The average human adult has a total of 32 teeth. Look behind the couch, beneath the coffee table, and inside the dryer for the remaining 12 or so.

Virgo Aug 23 – Sep 22
The eyes in that painting will seem to follow you around the room, which is quite odd for a Jackson Pollock.

Libra Sep 23 – Oct 23
High-powered telescopes will soon allow scientists to peer back at the very birth of the universe, though it’s the steamy and rather forceful conception they’re more interested in.

Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 21
The good news is that you’re dyslexic. The bad news, however, is that you switched the good news and bad news around.

Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21

Everyone laughed when you sent your dog to the Canine Academy Of Design, but they won’t be laughing this week when he continues to shit all over their lawn.

Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 19
A whirlwind romance will sweep you off your feet this week, before destroying your home, smashing your valuables, and dropping you off three states away.

Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18
While it’s true that every man has his price, yours is the only one clearly labeled at the top of that waffle menu.

Pisces Feb 19 – Mar 20
You’ll spend your remaining years hooked up to a machine, which is sad, as it’s the kind that checks e-mail and sends out texts.

Via The Onion.