Awesomeness Mindlessness

Socially Responsible Violence

Some people just ruin things for everybody, and over at is out to expose them and give you the socially responsible reasons to punch them in the face.

Here are a couple of my favourites:

No Toilet Paper Secret Keeper

Public bathrooms are sick. The doorknobs are smeared with salmonella, the toilet seats are laced with syphillis and last time we checked, the hand dryers blew AIDS. But “No Toilet Paper Secret Keeper” believes this is just not enough. That’s right, you should have to wipe your ass with your pashmina.

This bathroom biatch exits her stall and watches you enter, without even the most remote hint of the missing paper. Instead, you’re left dripping and grasping at the empty roll, cursing the day NTPSK was born. So, you drip-dry and spend the rest of the day pretending the sticky patch on your leg isn’t aged urine.

There’s only one thing to do after an encounter like this. Don’t wash your hands, chase her down and slap her in the eye with a fistful of byproduct.

Personal Bubble Invader

This is another entry ripped from the pages of “Suggest-a-Punch”, known across the land by many different monikers: space intruder, face raider, close talker, near speaker, and douche bag.

Easily identified by the inability to put even the slimmest amount of space between the two of you, “Personal Bubble Invader” wastes no time at parties getting all up in your grill. So close is his proximity, you can literally smell his stomach lining. And it smells like death.

If for any reason you find yourself being accosted by “Halitosis Harry,” politely remind him that your “no fly zone” is patrolled by swinging fists to the face.

Disgruntled Ticket Agent

Customer service – it’s a tough job, but somebody’s gotta do it. And usually, that person is a miserable wretch. Or as we like to call her, DTA.

What’s that Mr. Innocent Passenger? Your plane was delayed 9 hours and the person sitting next to you was morbidly obese and took up half your seat and threw up on you and your plane landed prematurely due to turbulence and you’re stranded in a strange city and they lost your bags? Hmm, that’s too bad. Disgruntled Ticket Agent doesn’t care. Because she’s disgruntled and she hates you.

So next time she shrugs and gives you the puss face, remind her the customer is always right. With your knuckle. In her eye.

Read more good reasons to give people beatdowns at People Who Deserve It – thanks Emily!