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Tag: penis

Scientifically Accurate Ninja Turtles

As history tells us, four small turtles came into contact with a green radioactive goo and got turned into totally tubular, human-sized crime fighters. Named after four Renaissance artists, our heroes in the half shell cracked wise, gorged on pizza, and dropped catchphrases like “Cowabunga!” and “Turtle Power!”

For science, ADHD over on YouTube created an opening sequence that reveals what the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would look if they were real. Salmonella and giant penises are abound in this most amusing spoof. Check out Scientifically Accurate Ninja Turtles below.

[via @JoeyHiFi]

Pizza Boomerang is Deadly to Penises

Picture the scene. A He-Man-esque super hero waits patiently for his pizza to warm up in the microwave. Fearing the fast food might be a little too hot, our hero flings it from his home planet towards the earth. Thus begins the utterly bizarre journey of Pizza Boomerang, a pizza so epic that it could slice your penis off.

[thanks Andy!]

Woman Bites off Lover’s Penis in Car Crash

Oh sweet baby Jesus! This the true pain that comes from a romantic tryst gone wrong.

Metro.co.uk reports that an adulterous boss and his secretary were having an affair in a car in a Singapore park when their good times was cut short, so to speak, by a reversing van. The 30-year old secretary was performing fellatio on her boss and the impact of the crash caused her to bite her lover’s penis off!

It that’s not humiliating enough, this whole incident was observed by a private detective who had been sent by the woman’s husband. The detective said that the car ‘shook violently’, was then hit by the van, and a woman screamed loudly, with her mouth covered in blood. No word on whether the chomped love muscle survived the accident.

BONUS: Improve your car-sex technique with the Ca’a’sutra. It’s not in english, but the photos are self-explanatory. Oh and cartoon sex may be NSFW at some workplaces.

Light my fire

fire

Oh I love these kind of stories. As teenagers, my sister and I used to take great delight in combing magazines and newspapers (this was long before the interweb) for grotesque Agony Aunt columns and weird stories of sexual misadventure, revenge or jealousy that ended in disaster. You know the ones that go something like “woman bites off lover’s tongue in passionate embrace”, or “Dear Aunt Rhoda my girlfriend says she can’t love me anymore because I have genital warts”, that sort of thing. The whole Bobbitt episode kept us laughing for months. Well I’m not sure if I exactly love this particular story because someone actually dies, however it is morbidly fascinating nonetheless.

An Australian woman has been arrested and is going to be charged with murder after she doused her sleeping husband’s penis with something like metholated spirits and set it on fire. The unfortunate man allegedly woke up and knocked the bottle of meths over which helped the fire to spread rapidly from his privates to engulf the couple’s entire residence. As you may have guessed, Mr Crispy was cheating on his wife, and unluckily for him she found out and sought her fiery revenge. The fire starter has issued a statement saying that it was not her intention to kill her husband, all she wanted to do was claim his penis as hers only and forever by horribly disfiguring it!

This burning issue courtesy of the Daily Express.

Five Historical Figures Who Died The Weirdest Deaths

Cracked.com reports on the 5 individuals not content with just leaving their names in the footnotes of history.

Chrysippus: Death By Performing Donkey

donkey

Chrysippus (280207 BC), renowned philosopher and party fiend, was boozing it up with his donkey (name still unkown) when the animal tried to eat some figs. The donkey’s attempt were so funny that Chrysippus laughed so hard, keeled over, and died.

President Félix Faure: Death by Bow-chicka-bow-wow

felix faure

On February 16, 1899 French president Félix Faure made a booty call in his own office with a gold-digger named Marguerite Steinheil. Story has it that Faure has fatal stroke right in the middle of orgasm. At least he died happy.

Aeschylus: Bludgeoned With a Turtle

aeschylus

Sicilian eagles love turtles and have a cunning way of getting past the hard shells of their prey. The eagles lift turtles up to great heights, and then drop them on rocks to crack them open.

Aeschylus, widely regarded to be the founder of Greek tragedy, was loitering around one day when an eagle mistook his bald head for a rock, and proceed to drop it’s catch onto his head. Aeschylus died but the turtle survived.

Arius: Death by Expoding Bowel

explosion

Arius one of the most prominent heretics of early Christianity, and someone obviously wan’t happy about him suggesting that there might have been a time when Christ hadn’t existed.

This is what one of this political opponents said:

“A faintness came over him, and together with the evacuations his bowels protruded, followed by a copious hemorrhage, and the descent of the smaller intestines: moreover portions of his spleen and liver were brought off in the effusion of blood, so that he almost immediately died.”

Herod the Great: Gangrene of the Genitalia

sausage

Herod the Great, king of Judaea, was responsible for the Massacre of the Innocents. God tends to frown upon acts involving the senseless murder of babies and thus imbued unto Herod what is known today as Fournier gangrene – a horrendous necrotizing infection of the genitalia.

Read the full article at cracked.com.

Leave the Toilet Seat Up

crying childI’ve been trained to leave the toilet seat down, but I now questioning this decision, for good reason I think.

Livescience reports that some British doctors are advising that toilets seats should be left up as heavy wooden and ornamental toilet seat could fall down onto the penises of unsuspecting toddlers.

Doctors who have treated such “penis-crush” injuries offer the following tips:

  • Use toilet seats that fall slowly and with reduced momentum.
  • Heavier toilet seats could be banned in houses with male infants.
  • Households with male infants should consider leaving the toilet seat up after use.
  • Toddlers should be educated to hold the toilet seat up with one hand while urinating.

So there you have it. The first public service announcement from the onelargeprawn blog. Keep those toddler penises safe from harm this festive period ;)