Yes it’s another horoscope – read it though it’s funny.
If you’re a Pisces, HAPPY BIRTHDAY month!
Pisces Feb 19 – Mar 20
You’re stuck in a rut this week, but look on the bright side. At least you’re not stuck in a rut in Bloemfontein. Unless you are, in which case have you considered becoming addicted to morphine?
Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18
Your doctor has never seen one that big, but don’t panic. There’s no reason to let it change your daily routine. Except you might want to put a paper bag over it, just so passing women and children stop screaming.
Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 19
This week you will yearn for the country life. Until you drive into the country and remember that it’s full of shops without fridges selling lukewarm 7-Up and garlic polony.
Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21
A late-night drinking game involving a bottle of Captain Morgan and a tube of KY gel will end in the emergency room, with a doctor confirming that you’ve got a little Captain in you.
Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 21
You’ll win an important argument at work this week. Your colleague will insist that Porky’s was the worst film the of the 1980s, but history will support you in your claim that it was Caddyshack.
Libra Sep 23 – Oct 23
Remember that your body is a temple. It’s time to kick out the moneylenders, but be careful not to punch a rabbi in the mouth.
Virgo Aug 23 – Sep 22
Your bad sex life is directly related to work stress. Get to the root of the problem. Have sex with your boss.
Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22
Don’t be discouraged by the negativity of your friends. Just because your one true love gave you a fake phone number, took his/her name out of the phonebook, got a restraining order and bought a gun, it doesn’t mean he/she doesn’t see a future with you. One day you’ll make them all see that. Even it means using violence.
Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 22
Remember, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. But a bird in the hand can also make it difficult to brush your teeth or type up important documents. Weigh up your bird options carefully.
Gemini May 21 – Jun 21
Worries at work will reach a climax as whispering behind your back turns to laughter, mime, and finally a float parade featuring burning effigies of you. Stay focused, and it will pass.
Taurus Apr 20 – May 20
Do not under any circumstances trust your horoscope this week.
Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19
Be especially careful around loved ones who are ill. A repeat of last year’s accidental life-support switch-off will not go down well, especially if you again claim you thought it was the plug for the kettle.